[marijuana anonymous]

Yesterday I went to my first Marijuana Anonymous meeting, and I just barely made it.

Ever since last Saturday night, when I went looking for the NA meeting that was supposed to be at a church on Schermerhorn and was told it wasn't there, I've been suspicious that any new meeting I try to attend won't be happening. So when I got to the New Church on 35th Street and saw that it was under renovation, my heart sank. I saw a worker go in the door, and beyond him I could see serious construction going on: a saw table, equipment strewn everywhere, paper covering the floors. I turned to leave, then hesitated, and finally spotted an older white woman going in: definitely not a construction worker. So I decided to push past the entryway and see what I found.

Fortunately, there was in fact a meeting, upstairs, in a room still heavily under renovation as well. During the opening 12-minute meditation, we had the added distractions of saws and hammering from time to time, but despite the dust and the chaos, it was actually a really good meeting.

There were a few differences from the S-Fellowship meetings (S-Fellowship is a catch-all term for the various 12-step groups that deal with sexuality). For one thing, there was way less shame in the room, which gave the proceedings a different flavor. Pot is very socially acceptable, and most of the addicts had a history of sharing it with those around them rather than hiding it and living in secrecy, though one guy shared that he had kept his daily use clandestine from his kids for years. For another, there were two women — still heavily outnumbered by the men, but I liked their presence. And potheads tend to be people I like anyway, so it was pleasant to be in a room full of potheads in recovery. (A cute feature of MA: some addicts introduce themselves as, "Hi, I'm [Name], and I'm a pothead." I'm not sure it's a strong enough admission for me — I've been an admitted pothead for years, but the word "addict" is still hard to say — but it's certainly cheerful.)

And although marijuana is not exactly the monkey on my back, and I am more convinced than ever that my focus needs to be on the sexuality and secrecy issues, it was good to be able to identify and share about the marijuana withdrawal process. I found their brochure on marijuana detox to be helpful; even though I'm not facing most of the symptoms listed, I have been having intensely vivid dreams, and it's interesting to discover that that's a common effect of quitting pot. (I had similarly intense dreams during my first, pot-free week in Bombay when I went to India for the first time, and I blamed that on the malaria drugs. I can't remember having such dreams early on in Korea, though, or when I was staying with my wife's parents before the wedding.)

After the main meeting, there was a quick business meeting, the first I've attended. The only real purpose was to get approval for paying the room rent, which only required special approval because there hadn't been the usual business meeting in February, because the box of paperwork and cash had been buried in the construction rubble. (Amazingly, it turned up again with the cash intact.) It was interesting to see a little bit of that side of the Fellowship, and I think the business end of things is something I'll probably get more involved with as I go further in my recovery.

As things wrapped up, we were invited by the facilitator to join him for a bite, so I went with him, along with a woman from Long Island City who'd been clean for all of seven days. It was nice to talk outside of a group and get some more insight and just basic human contact. We headed over to a deli on Fifth Ave, where St. Patrick's Day paraders were still streaming past, and talked about our sobriety issues mostly. The facilitator, A, had shared at the meeting that he was feeling nervous about going out to a bar with friends later, so he thanked us for keeping him connected to the world for another hour instead of lost in his own head. Then he and I rode the F train back to Brooklyn together, and he assured me that the Brooklyn MA group really does meet on Wednesdays at 7:15 like it says on the website, so maybe I'll check that out. (He was also very keen to write down the name of the novel I kept mentioning, Infinite Jest.)

On a different note, I had been stressing out over when, how and whether to talk to my parents about my addiction and recovery. I asked my therapist about that, and his response was unequivocal. "I don't normally give direct advice," he said, "but I think you should wait — wait at least until you've been sober for 90 days and you're more settled and have some perspective." That was similar to the advice I got when I called F from the SAA Thursday Group phone list, but it was a relief to hear it from a professional. It means I'm off the hook for a while. And there's sense to it: as F said, you need to make sure you only tell people who will support you — I think my parents would as best they could — and you need to be sure you're not harming others, a much more difficult question in the case of my parents (or my wife's).

Indeed, the first 90 days seems to be an important concept in 12-step groups. I've been advised to really focus on my basic sobriety during this period — staying away from pot, alcohol, porn, non-marital sex and sex chat, in my case — and not go too crazy trying to do everything else, like avoiding substitutes or trying to work all the steps at once or whatever. It seems sound. So far the sobriety has been a blessing, and I have no desire to go back, but it hasn't been that long yet (today is Day 11).

As for today, I will stay sober and not act out, one day at a time.