[qualification]
Last night I went to the Tuesday-night SAA meeting for the first time. It was by far the largest twelve-step meeting I've been to, with something like 25 people filling the room. In some ways that's good — it certainly made me realize I'm not alone in my addictions, and there was a kind of organizational crispness — but it was also a bit impersonal, and not everyone got a chance to share.
The third Tuesday of the month in this group is a Qualification Meeting, which means that someone gives a 20-minute share on why he or she qualifies to be a member of SAA — in other words, on the nature of his or her addiction. It's what's known as a First Step presentation, and it takes a certain amount of bravery to lay out one's whole addictive past in front of a group of people, many of them strangers.
There were parts of last night's Qualification that I identified with and parts I didn't, but it certainly raised a lot of questions. I have a long sexual history, much of it exotic, and it seems facile and dishonest to label as addictive behavior or "acting out" every part of it that wasn't connected to a long-term relationship. But what was healthy and what was not? What was addiction and what was not? I suppose a starting point is to begin writing the story of my sex life and see how it plays out, see what emotions are connected with the different phases and events. I'm a little afraid of writing Portnoy's Complaint, but there are worse things one could do (and I have done worse things in the thrall of my addiction).
The Qualification also raised questions about admitting my powerlessness, surrendering and handing things over to a Higher Power. I'm acting as if — pretending I believe in a Higher Power, more or less — and hoping that works, but I don't know where I really stand on the issue. Nor, I think, have I fully accepted my own powerlessness over my addiction, in part because the borders of that addiction are still not fully clear.
But then there's a lot I'm uncertain about right now. There is a Zen exhortation, "Just don't know," that I need to embrace. There are a lot of things I need to stop knowing: my views on God and church and synagogue, my views on sex and drugs, my sense of who I am and what I'm capable of. It's a long journey to achieve anything like genuine acceptance of ignorance.
The third Tuesday of the month in this group is a Qualification Meeting, which means that someone gives a 20-minute share on why he or she qualifies to be a member of SAA — in other words, on the nature of his or her addiction. It's what's known as a First Step presentation, and it takes a certain amount of bravery to lay out one's whole addictive past in front of a group of people, many of them strangers.
There were parts of last night's Qualification that I identified with and parts I didn't, but it certainly raised a lot of questions. I have a long sexual history, much of it exotic, and it seems facile and dishonest to label as addictive behavior or "acting out" every part of it that wasn't connected to a long-term relationship. But what was healthy and what was not? What was addiction and what was not? I suppose a starting point is to begin writing the story of my sex life and see how it plays out, see what emotions are connected with the different phases and events. I'm a little afraid of writing Portnoy's Complaint, but there are worse things one could do (and I have done worse things in the thrall of my addiction).
The Qualification also raised questions about admitting my powerlessness, surrendering and handing things over to a Higher Power. I'm acting as if — pretending I believe in a Higher Power, more or less — and hoping that works, but I don't know where I really stand on the issue. Nor, I think, have I fully accepted my own powerlessness over my addiction, in part because the borders of that addiction are still not fully clear.
But then there's a lot I'm uncertain about right now. There is a Zen exhortation, "Just don't know," that I need to embrace. There are a lot of things I need to stop knowing: my views on God and church and synagogue, my views on sex and drugs, my sense of who I am and what I'm capable of. It's a long journey to achieve anything like genuine acceptance of ignorance.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home